The rollercoaster ride of life....

The black dog has arrived!!
Another night of hardly any sleep has passed, in the past week I've been averaging 1-2 hours a night. So Im feeling absolutely exhausted. Due to the mood stabilizers that I take I didn't recognize that I was manic last week until it was too late (Friday I was feeling SO good, I spent heaps of money that I didn't have), after the high inevitably comes the crash., and boy have I crashed.
I had been feeling relatively good for the past couple of months, just the normal highs and lows that 'normal' people get.
However, Saturday arrived and I was really low...Almost as bad as last year when they admitted me to the Psych ward of the hospital where I stayed for 3 weeks.
All my triggers are present, the stomach upset, not sleeping, not hungry, the voices getting louder and more persistent in my head, the urge to cut myself and the suicidal thoughts. The feeling of absolute worthlessness, self loathing and frustration. I have been taking all of my medications so Im not sure what has caused this episode, the only thing that's keeping me going at the moment is that I have my sister and her little kids living here and I don't want them to see me when Im like this, so I put on my happy face even though inside Im being torn apart. I know its not a really healthy thing to do but they don't need to see or hear their Aunty rambling on about doing herself in or to see me sitting in a dark room crying constantly.
On Monday I called my councellor and he made an appointment with the Psychiatrist for Wednesday afternoon, dh Dave is taking the afternoon off work to drive me down there as they don't want me driving a car in my frame of mind. When I told dh he has the time off all he said was "What are you doing to me?" That upset me even further as its not something I wish to have happen, if I could change things I would.
He seems to think that as long as I take my meds things should be okay, normal like but their not!
So I've just got to keep it together until I see the Psych.